Take 4: Order in the Court

As I mentioned in the preview of this week's review, there are two things that can happen in a movie that are guaranteed to keep me glued to it: a poker game and a courtroom scene. I focus on the second of these (couldn't find a lot of good, meaty poker movies, apart from Rounders, which I've seen several times) in this review. Can't really call them courtroom dramas because 1) not all are dramas, and 2) they don't all actually have courtroom scenes, much to my surprise. But lots of debate and presentation of the facts...so that will do in a pinch.
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The Runaway Jury (2003)

In the Beginning: A legal case revolving around gun control heads to the courtroom, and both the prosecution and the defense hire experts to help them fill the jury with people who they feel will likely bring their side a win. Gene Hackman plays the defense's jury expert...and isn't beyond bending a few rules to make sure things go his way.

The Plot Thickens: What the prosecution and defense don't know is that there is a third party in the game...pulling strings from the inside and willing to sell the jury to the highest bidder.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore: We're in New Orleans. Not a lot of bayou scenes (this is a courtroom drama, after all), but you do get a couple of shots of the trolleys that go through the residential districts.

The Starting Line-Up: Crikey...we got a lot of folks here: John Cusack, Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman, Rachel Weisz (The Mummy), Jeremy Piven (PCU)

Honorable Mentions: Quite a few other people that surprised me by being in the movie: Dylan McDermott (The Practice), Nora Dunn (Saturday Night Live), Jennifer Beals (Flashdance), Joanna Going (Phantoms...okay, so that's where I know her from), Bruce McGill (Animal House and MacGyver), and Orlando Jones (MadTV). Whew!

Favorite Character: Three-way tie between Nick Easter (John Cusack), Wendell Rohr (Dustin Hoffman) and Marlee (Rachel Weisz). Easter ends up having a lot more up his sleeves in the brains and observation department than at first appears. Plus, who doesn't like John Cusack? Rohr is the idealistic prosecutor, and just presents himself as an all-around likeable guy. Marlee is shrewd and clever, has all her bases covered, and you can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy each time Hackman's character thinks he has everything in the palm of his hand and she turns around and throws his plans into chaos. Brilliant.

Random Trivia: In the novel, the lawsuit is filed against a tobacco company. This screenplay was in development for several years and, after the release of The Insider (1999), all subsequent scripts involved a lawsuit against a gun manufacturer. However, the movie does contain various references to tobacco and the law.

Great Quotes: Rankin Fitch: "Gentlemen, trials are too important to be left up to juries."

Curt's Take: "Must See" - As I mentioned above, I just love a courtroom drama. But if there is something that I love just as much, it's seeing the self-important and egotistical stumble. And Gene Hackman's character of Rankin Fitch is almost as self-important and egotistical as they come. It's BEAUTIFUL each time Marlee screws his character over...and I actually felt sick to my stomach each time he pulled ahead in the game of "Who Controls the Jury." I almost wish I had read the John Grisham novel this was based on before I saw this, but still...great film.

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Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde (2003)

In the Beginning: Elle Woods, now a lawyer, is planning her wedding, but wants to invite her chihuahua's mom (I'm not making this up, I'm afraid). Unfortunately, the dog is under lock and key at a facility where cosmetics are tested on animals.

The Plot Thickens: Elle leaves her job at the law firm to head to Washington, where she tests out her legal acumen on the political world in order to pass a bill that bans cosmetic testing on animals.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore: While we start out in Boston, where Elle lives and works, the events happen mostly in Washington, DC.

The Starting Line-Up: Reese Witherspoon reprises her role as Elle Woods, but we also have Sally Fields as the Congresswoman who takes Elle under her wing, and Bob Newhart as the doorman at Elle's residence who knows a lot about the ins and outs of Washington politics.

Honorable Mentions: Bruce McGill (Animal House, MacGyver), who played the judge in Runaway Jury, here plays Congressman Marks, who Elle must win over to her side. Also, Mary Lynn Rajskub plays the shy aide who Elle befriends...for those of you who are fans of the series 24, you'll recognize Rajskub as Chloe, from Season Three and Four (and Five?).

Favorite Character: No characters really stuck out as a "favorite" for me. For the most part, you can't help but root for Elle Woods. Kind of had a "fish out of water" thing going on. Reese was looking a little chunky, though.

Random Trivia: Reese Witherspoon was pregnant during filming. Oops. Sorry about that "chunky" comment, Reese.

Great Quotes: Congressman Marks: "Oh, to hell with it. My rottweiler Les is of the homosexual orientation. There, I said it. I'm out. My name is Stan Marks, I'm a conservative, Republican NRA spokesman...and my dog is gay. And guess what...I couldn't be prouder of the little flamer."

Curt's Take: "Not a Priority" - It wasn't a terrible film, but it wasn't nearly as amusing as Legally Blonde, which I actually enjoyed. This one's just...cute. And I really can't handle cute films all that well. I did chuckle at several points, though. So if you liked the first movie in the series, you might want to catch this sometime, but like i said, it's not a priority. If you didn't like the first one, don't bother with this one.

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12 Angry Men (1957)

In the Beginning: A young man is on trial for stabbing his father. Twelve jurors must now deliberate on the guilt or innocence of the kid.

The Plot Thickens: Eleven jury members assume the defendent is guilty, but one refuses to proclaim guilt without first considering the facts. The jury members begin to look deeper into the evidence and to question their own motives and assumptions about the case.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore: We're smack dab in the middle of New York City (they can see the Woolworth's Building from their window and Juror #7 has Yankess tickets).

The Starting Line-Up: Peter Fonda, as Juror #8. He was really the main player, and hard to say who of the other jury members got second billing.

Honorable Mentions: Jack Klugman (TV's The Odd Couple and Quincy) played Juror #5, while Jack Warden (TV's The Bad News Bears and Crazy Like a Fox) played Juror #7.

Favorite Character: The characters actually seemed pretty one-dimensional, so hard to really relate to any of them. I'll have to go with Juror #12, played by Robert Webber. He works in advertising, so he can't be all bad. I could see me passing time during a boring jury session by playing tic-tac-toe, too.

Random Trivia: There is not a single woman in the cast and only one ('Faith Elliott' ) in the credited crew.

Great Quotes: Juror #6: "You a Yankee fan?" Juror #5: "No, Baltimore." Juror #6: "Baltimore? That's like being hit in the head with a crow bar once a day."

Curt's Take: "Worth Considering" - True, it comes in #21 in the IMDB's Top 250 Movies (as rated by viewers). True, it has some great actors in it. True, it shows how prejudice and preconception can get in the way of our judicial system working as well as it should. But...something was lacking that kept this from being a "Must See." A "Worth Considering" isn't had, though. Recall that this just means if the stuff on your "Must See" list isn't available, you should consider getting this. I did like, though, watching the tide shift over time in the deliberation room. Kind of nice to see one rational man try to sway a room of knee-jerk reactionaries.

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'Breaker' Morant (1980)

In the Beginning: Capt. Hunt of the Bushveldt Carbineers (during the Boer War in South Africa) leads a group of soldiers to a local encampment, only to be ambushed by Boer commandoes. Lt. Harry 'Breaker' Morant follows the trail of the commandoes, tracking them down and executing them.

The Plot Thickens: Morant and two of his officers return to be court-martialed for the execution of the Boer rebels, only to find they are being offered up as scapegoats in order to arrive at a peaceful end to the war. Maj. Thomas arrives on the scene with very little time to prepare a defense for Morant and crew.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore: Hell, we're not even in present-day America. We're in South Africa (Pietersburg, in Transvaal, specifically) in 1901, toward the end of the Boer War. See, the Boer War was fought between the countries of the British Empire and the Boer population of South Africa, who were mostly Dutch. While the issues behind the war were complex, basically the Boers wanted to retain their independence from England. By the time of the beginning of the movie, British forces uneasily occupied most Boer territory, but thanks to mobile Boer guerilla forces, an outright victory was still being fought for. And who said Take 4 wasn't educational.

The Starting Line-Up: Edward Woodward plays Morant and Jack Thompson plays the defense attorney, Thomas. Thompson, upon further research, also appeared in Star Wars 2: Attack of the Clones as "Cliegg Lars." Alrighty then.

Honorable Mentions: Bryan Brown, who I know from the movies FX and FX2 plays one of Morant's men, who is also being court-martialed.

Favorite Character: I really liked Bryan Brown's portrayal of Lt. Handcock, who is a brawler and a womanizer. Was kind of a nice change of pace from the other, stiffer, characters in the film.

Random Trivia: Based on a play by Kenneth Rose, this film won 10 Australian Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Director.

Great Quotes: Morant: "Live every day as if it were going to be your last. One day, you're sure to be right."

Curt's Take: "Worth Considering" - Heard about this film from my friend James, when I was looking for a fourth movie to complete the "Order in the Court" series. Was pleasantly surprised by it. A slightly different take on the traditional courtroom drama. While it lagged at points, it was easy to keep pace with (especially with the subtities on...it's an Australian-made film). There's nothing spectacular about it that throws it into the "Must See" category, but, still, was very well done (see Random Trivia above).

Review Preview

There are two things you can put in any movie that will catch my attention. The first is a poker game. I'll be on the edge of my seat. The second is a courtroom scene...and next up on Take 4 we've got four movies that revolve around law, the court and the judicial process. Any guesses out there?

Take 4: Six Feet Under

I've got so many television series in my list, that pretty much every third review has to cover one. Have been looking forward to this one for a while, though. This review is pretty short, but back next time with four more movies.
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Six Feet Under: Season Three (2003)

In the Beginning: We catch up with Nate Fisher, one of the two Fisher sons who runs the Fisher & Sons Funeral Home, after his brain surgery, to find he has married Lisa (who we found out in Season Two was pregnant with his child). David is still with his boyfriend (although in couple therapy), Claire is in her first year of art school, and Mrs. Fisher continues to look for someone to fill the void in her life that has existed since her husband died (way back in the beginning of Season One).

The Plot Thickens: Too much to get into. It's a 13-episode series, and a lot happens.

Body Count: 18 (Thought I'd get rid of this "stat" after the last series of reviews, but, oddly, it's still applicable)

I Know Them: The only one I really knew before I started watching Six Feet Under was Peter Krause, who played Casey McCall on the AWESOME series Sports Night. However, in Season Three, Kathy Bates guest stars, as does Lili Taylor.

Favorite Character: For most of the series, it's been Nate Fisher (played by Peter Krause). He's usual the centered and normal one in the cast, but he goes through a lot of crap this season. So, this time around, it's Brenda Chenowith, Nate's ex, played by Rachel Griffiths. Her absence from the first part of the season takes a lot away from the series, and it was refreshing to see her return.

Random Trivia: Unusually, the title sequence was created after the theme music had been composed (generally, it's the other way round).

Great Quotes: Brenda's Mom: "That white blouse would have worked, if you had gotten rid of that bra." Brenda: "Yeah? Well that skirt would have worked if you had gotten rid of that ass."

Curt's Take: "Don't Bother," unless you've seen the first two seasons. If so, it gets a "Worth Considering." Doing a little bit of a rewind here, I'd definitely recommend catching the first season, and see how you like it. This season, though, was kind of a downer (although I'm not sure what else I'd expect from a drama set in a funeral home). Hoping the next season is a bit more enjoyable...if it gets a "Must See," then I guess Season Three has to be upgraded to that, too...just 'cause you can't really the former without seeing the latter.

Review Preview

Back to the world of television series again, but I've learned my lesson: No BBC for a while. Instead, we'll be turning to premium cable for the third season of one of the best series around. Stay tuned to this space for more details (i.e. a review).

Take 4: The Sequel Project

Which is better...the book or the movie? The original or the sequel? This time around on Take 4, we embark on a brief exploratory journey into the world of movies based on books...and the devolution therein. Submitted for your approval, one book by suspense/horror novelist, Dean Koontz: Watchers. It was one of the first books in that genre I ever read, way back in middle school, and one of the few books that actually got my tears flowing toward the end. However, I never thought it...well...good enough to be the genesis of a Hollywood motion picture, let alone a string of sequels. So what happens to the quality of the Watchers "franchise" (I shudder to call it that) over time, as filmmaking styles come and go, as trends change, and actors enter and leave the series? More importantly, what happens to my mental well-being? We're about to find out.

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Watchers (1988)

In the Beginning: A fire breaks out at an experimental biological/genetic lab, and three creatures escape: GH3 (a very bright golden retriever), OXCOM (Outside Experimental Combat Mammal: a psychotic killing monster on two legs) and Roger Corman, a Hollywood movie producer known for such classics as Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Beast with a Million Eyes, and The Brain Eaters. Okay, kidding...Corman is the producer, though, and three creatures do escape, but the third creature is rather pointless and not really even worth going into, although Corman tries to make its "unveiling" a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan. Corman has produced over 350 B-movies, so guess this just adds to the trend

The Plot Thickens: The monster kills Corey Haim's girlfriend's dad and the NSO (National Security Organization...*snicker*) places the girlfriend (played by an actress billed only under the name "Lala") in protective custody. The dog, which is being stalked by the monster, joins Corey and his mom to find the girlfriend, foil the government's plans and stop the creature from killing anyone else...although not sure how successful they are, considering there are sequels (plural).

Body Count: 14 (Monster: 10, Government: 2, Other: 2)

I Know Them: Corey Haim (not Feldman) plays the antagonizing protagonist and Roger Corman is the producer (see above). Also, Jason Priestly (the only person in this to still have somewhat of a career) and Don Davis (who I know best as Bobby Brigg's father from television's Twin Peaks). Let's watch this number dwindle as the sequels wash ashore.

Least Favorite Character: Had to change this category up from the usual, just because of the nature of the experiment. Anyway, Corey Haim. Sure, his character has a name (Travis), but he just comes off as Corey Haim. Translation: You just want to smack his smug little face. Coming in a close second, though, was The Australian Washing Machine Repairman. "Blimey!" Good news: One of them dies. Bad news: It's not Corey.

Great Quotes: (Regarding the death of a local farmer) Young Female Deputy: "I don't think this was a grizzly bear, sheriff. This thing has Sasquatch written all over it."; (Phone call from local school ends abruptly) Sheriff: "What is it?" Young Female Deputy: "The maintenance man over at the high school...bunch of screaming." (Responding to sheriff's quizzical look) "If it's important, he'll call back..."

Curt's Take: "Don't Bother" - Wow. Pretty bad...but didn't commit any sins so major that this drops off into the "Run in Fear" category. While it's been a while since I've read the book, I really don't remember an "Australian Washing Machine Repairman," or his head ending up in the dryer (screw the "Spoiler Alerts"...you aren't going to watch this anyway). I seem to remember there being some sort of older adult male protagonist, but that was absent from this...no, we just get His Royal Smugness, Corey Haim. I have to ask this, though...if this dog is so damn smart, why does he break into Corey's truck's glove compartment to get to a chocolate candy bar? Maybe part of the experimentation that took place now allows him to digest/metabolize it. Or maybe it was a trade-off: the dog's literate, but confection-identification challenged.

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All right. The first movie wasn't that great. Heck, it might have gone straight to video for all I know. So, it's not like there's a high quality benchmark here. Surely the rest can't be MUCH worse, can they? I'm predicting for the next installment something that still falls within the "Don't Bother" range, but is actually (unintentionally) amusing. I hope. Right now, however, I'm not looking to curl up in the fetal position or anything, so I think I'm holding up pretty good mentally and could actually take something that turns out to be pretty bad...and yet, for some reason, I'm hesitant to hit that "play" button.

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Watchers 2 (1990)

In the Beginning: We are introduced to another experimental genetics lab that created two intelligent beings: AE-73 (a dog meant to act as a spy) and AE-74, "The Outsider" (a murderous creature meant to act as an assassin). After two moron NSA agents (for some reason they avoided the use of this actual acronym in the first movie, the National Security Agency) are killed when they traipse into the test lab and pretty much just stick their heads right into AE-74's cage for a look-see, the experimental program is shut down.

The Plot Thickens: Steve Maleno, head of the program, pays some animal activists to free all the animals from the lab to prevent them from being destroyed when the program is terminated (there are a bunch of cute monkeys, rats and bunnies in the lab, but guess they are just normal critters). In the ensuing chaos AE's 73 and 74 escape. As in the first movie, the monster begins to stalk the dog. Unlike the first movie, we are spared the agony of having to deal with Corey Haim.

Body Count: 16 (Monster: 14, Others: 2); A higher body count than the first film, but if you don't count a sheep that the creature kills, it becomes a little bit more even (15)

They're Baaaaaaaack: Roger Corman is back as producer...woo hoo! Get ready for some fake-looking decapitations and bloody eyeball-gouging.

I Know Them!: Marc Singer and Tracy Scoggins lead the cast, and I hated to say it...but they both sounded familiar. So I hopped on www.imdb.com and checked. Sure enough, I wasn't crazy...Marc Singer was the Beastmaster in...er...The Beastmaster. Check. Ms. Scoggins, however, eluded me...she's been in several TV shows, but nothing I watch. So, 1 for 2.

Least Favorite Character: Dr. Maleno was pretty detestable, but not on a Corey Haim level of hatred. Plus, he was kind of a bad guy, anyway, so he's not supposed to be a charmer.

Great Quotes: Dr. Maleno: "I hope you know what you're throwing away. Seventy-four [the creature] is one of the greatest achievements in the history of genetic science. It's a success." Dr. Glatman: "At what? Killing bureaucrats?"

Curt's Take: Yes, a "Don't Bother," but interestingly, actually better than the first film. Maybe because it lacked any sign of Haim-taint, but I was able to watch it from start to finish without wanting to smack anyone. Plus, I think it was a little more true to the book. Actually...if we could somehow merge both movies, we might have something damn close to what I remember the book to be like. Although it took itself more seriously than its predecessor, it was still a bit more watchable, in spite of fewer "I'm laughing at you, not with you" moments.

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Okay, that wasn't so bad. The second movie was more watchable than the first movie. Even if just marginally so. I'm ready to throw in number three, and see if we can't bump something in this series up to a "Not a Priority" rating. And so...perhaps as a sign of things to come...the DVD player refuses to read the next DVD. It does this sometimes...I just need to let it sit and rest. This cannot bode well, though.

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Watchers 3 (1994)

In the Beginning: Two NSA morons enter a research facility...hey...wait a minute...this is the same footage that was at the beginning of Watchers 2! I'm not kidding...except instead of the creature killing them they remove two packages labeled "Medical Supplies." They airdrop these into the vicinity of a camp of South American guerillas. Turns out the dog and the creature from the second movie are in them. See, the dog was created to infiltrate enemy camps, and the creature was created to track the dog (telepathically, or something...I've stopped caring) and kill the people at the enemy camp. This was explained in the...first movie, I think. Anyway, they finally get around to doing it. Dog enters camp, creature attacks, etc.

The Plot Thickens: Paul (the main character from Watchers 2) is released from prison (still not clear on how he got there after the second movie) in order to enter the South American jungles with four others and...well...I'm not really sure. I think they're supposed to terminate the creature and rescue the dog, but things go horribly wrong, of course.

Body Count: 12 (Creature: 6, Other: 3, Unclear: 3); Lower body count, but this is mitigated by the fact that 1) the creature wipes out the above-mentioned enemy camp, you only see an edited version of this, and it's unclear how many casualites there are and 2) they are in a South American jungle, where it is much more difficult for the creature to just stumble across people to decapitate. I think if the death toll from the camp was able to be determined, we'd be above the last film's count of 16.

They're Baaaaaaaack: Mr. Corman...for the sake of all that is holy...wasn't two enough? No? Okay...please stop at three. Also, while the character of Paul Ferguson is back, it is no longer being played by Marc Singer. Apparently being thrown in prison between sequels adds about 20 pounds of body fat, causes you to need eyeglasses, and forces you to be played by an actor named "Wings Hauser." We also have AE-73 (the dog, aka "Einstein") and AE-74 (the creature, aka "The Outsider"). Don't know if they are played by the same dog and man in a rubber suit, though.

I Know Them!: With the removal of The Beastmaster, didn't know a single person. I'm afraid I'd have to track down and soundly beat anybody I recognized who appeared in this film.

Least Favorite Character: There are a ton to hate in this one. Hard to settle on just one. I was really annoyed by the female doctor who tracked the movements of Ferguson's crew by radar. Very cold and looked like she realized that it was a huge mistake agreeing to appear on-screen for the two minutes that she does in this film.

Great Quotes: Bonetti: "Are you an idiot, or are you just fuckin' stupid." (I truly wonder if the writers meant this to be a ridiculous line...it's hard to tell)

Curt's Take: Ladies and gentlemen...we have a "Run in Fear" movie. This was so absolutely terrible. It committed three unforgiveable sins, in my eyes:

1) Same character, different actor. The role of Ferguson, as mentioned above, was played by Wings Hauser, not Marc Singer. Additional penalty for being named "Wings." That better be a stage name. Who would do that to a kid? Although "Wings Clark" has a certain ring to it.

2) Recycled footage. They didn't even bother to shoot the opening scenes, where the dog and creature are taken from a research lab in the "Supplies" boxes. They just stole the footage from the second film. I felt embarrassed for the cast and crew at this point.

3) Rip-off. Have you seen Predator? Yes? Okay, then you don't need to see this. Group of gun-toting tough guys in the jungle, stalking a monster-like (yet intelligent) creature. Been there, done that.

So, the worst of the saga so far. Could only have been made worse if Corey Haim had a role.

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Three down. One to go. Is this another Roger Corman hit, or did some other producer take up the reins? Will Ferguson come back, to be played by someone completely different? Is AE-74 finally dead? Okay, well, it is called Watchers Reborn, so not holding my breath on that last count. Anyway, in a slight daze from watching that the previous film. Let's see if the last one ends up being the final nail in my coffin.

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Watchers Reborn (1998)

In the Beginning: Let me just say that it's scary how the quality of the opening credits degrades as the sequels progress. That having been said...we are treated to an opening montage of scenes from the last few movies. It gives the history of the Aesop Project (from which AE-73 and AE-74 were created), and how both creatures escaped the Banodyne Research Lab during a fire. In other words...we're going to pretend the last two movies never happened. And the first one, for that matter.

The Plot Thickens: After escaping, the creature goes on a rampage, trying to track down the dog, killing everything in its way. The dog joins forces with a detective and one of the lab's scientists in order to stop the creature, as well as the government agents who are hell-bent on covering up all traces of the creature's mayhem.

Body Count: 18 (Creature: 15, Government: 2, Other: 1); We have a winner! There might have been more, because there was a showdown betwee the creature and some government agents that had a lot of blood and bodies flying around, and the MTV-style editing was damn close to giving me a seizure, so I couldn't pay as much attention to it as I would have liked.

They're Baaaaaaaack: No repeat actors (unless, again, it's the same dog and man in a rubber suit). As for characters, we do have Einstein and The Outsider again. Interestingly, The Outsider is a red, hairy mammal, much like that big mass of red hair from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. In the first two movies, it was humanoid and slightly insect/Alien-looking, while in the third one, it was reptilian, and blended in with the jungle. Make up your mind, folks. Oh...and last but not least, Roger Corman. He produced four of these. Roger...you're slipping, bro.

I Know Them!: Wow. Whereas I knew nobody in the last film, I know more people in this film than any that I've seen in prior reviews. I don't know what to make of that, other than that I'm very, very scared:

- Mark Hamill (co-producer and actor): This was the shocking one. I actually audibly yelped when I saw his name. You all know him from Star Wars, as well as a slew of voiceover stuff

- Lisa Wilcox: I knew the name...but wasn't sure where from. And she looked familiar. Turns out she played "Alice" in Nightmare on Elm Street IV and V (the one who would gain the "dream powers" of her friends as they died...um...yeah, I'm a horror movie geek)

- Stephen Macht: Didn't recognize the name, but knew the face. He has had smaller roles in lots of films, mostly as a cop. I think I know him best as the cop in the comedy The Monster Squad

- Lou Rawls: Plays a medical examiner in this...but he's an R&B singer. Weird.

- Kane Hodder: The only role I ever knew him to play was "Jason" in a ton of the Friday the 13th movies. Turns out he does a lot of stunt choreography. He has a small role in this film as a grocery store clerk.

- Gary Collins: Knew the name and face, but not sure what else he has been in. Turns out he was in Roots and was the ringmaster for many years in Circus of the Stars, for those of you who remember that.

- Larry Cedar: Recognized the face...had to look up the name. He was on the PBS series Square One which I used to watch all the time in my pre-college years.

Least Favorite Character: Really getting sick of The Outsider. He keeps killing people. And in this one he kills a cute chimpanzee. That's crossing the line, mister.

Great Quotes: There really weren't any. I was surprised. Had thought at first Mark Hamill was going to be a grown-up-but-just-as-smug Corey Haim, with some one-liners that were supposed to be funny, but there really weren't any memorable lines.

Curt's Take: "Don't Bother" - Well, was going to be hard to sink lower than Watchers 3, and the continual parade of C-level celebrities kept my interest. I was a little surprised to see them start out with a fire in the genetics lab again. Seriously...it's like for three of the four movies, the writer/director just decided to hit the rewind button and start over with a new take on the novel rather than try to establish continuity in the story. It's like Run Lola Run...except bad. Maybe in Watchers 5, the creature/dog escape the lab and board a cruise ship, where much hilarity ensues.

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So...I did it. And I'm in one piece. It really wasn't that painful. Watchers 1, 2 and 4 were watchable, and I was half-drunk for half of Watchers 3, so it all worked out in the end. So, I'm all ready to hit the old "Power" button on the DVD player and call it a...wait...what's this? Dammit. Watchers 1 and 2 were on the same DVD. I've only reviewed 3 discs. I'm not done??? Fine. Whatever. Let's sign off with one last Dean Koontz movie. I don't think I've read the book for this one, and it's not part of the Watchers saga, so hopefully this will cleanse the palate somewhat.

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The Servants of Twilight (1991)

In the Beginning: Christine and her son, Joey, are accosted by a manic woman in a parking garage who proclaims that Joey must die. The next morning, their dog is found decapitated outside in their backyard.

The Plot Thickens: Fearing for the life of her son, Christine hires Charlie, a private detective, to protect her son from the woman's cult, which believes that Joey is the Antichrist. As none of you are ever going to see this, I feel fine giving this away: turns out Joey IS the Antichrist. Oops.

Body Count: 13; I was going to break this down between those deaths attributable to the cult and those to the "good guys." But, then cult members started killing cult members, good guys turned out to be cult members, and cult members turned out to be good guys. Add into that a couple returns from the dead, and a death by...bats...and it got a little hard to keep score. But when it comes to battling the forces of evil, are there really any losers?

They're Baaaaaaaack: There's a dog in the film. Looks a little like a golden retriever. AE-73 was a golden retriever. I had to do a couple double-takes at certain points in the movie to remember which one I was watching. But, at least this wasn't another Roger Corman film.

I Know Them!: I knew Grace Zabriskie from her role as Laura Palmer's mother in the TV series Twin Peaks. I also knew Carel Struycken...he played "Lurch" in the two Addams Family movies and, coincidentally, played "The Giant" in the dream sequences of the Twin Peaks series.

Least Favorite Character: Wasn't anyone who stood out as eminently hateable. Would have to say the least memorable is Christine, Joey's mom. She was just kind of...there. You'd think the mom of the Antichrist would at least be somewhat interesting.

Great Quotes: Charlie: "You ever hear of Michael Jordan?" Joey: "Yeah." Charlie: "We're going to see him play tonight." Christine: "We're going to Detroit?" (Found the "You're an idiot" glance that Charlie gives her before correcting her hilarious, especially since there is supposed to be a romantic connection growing between the two of them).

Curt's Take: A weak "Not a Priority." It might have run the risk of drifting down into the "Don't Bother" range, except for the fact that I just got done watching four pretty bad films. The sheer contrast made this movie eminently more watchable. Plus, the last 10-15 minutes was pretty interesting. I just wish that the events of the last part of the movie had been the beginning of it...THEN it would have been a lot more interesting. Rather than ending the movie with Charlie finding out Joey was indeed the Antichrist...and that Joey wanted Charlie as his new dad...let's start the movie there. That would have been a LOT more interesting. Still, overall, was tolerable...but not a priority.

Review Preview

What happens when a halfway-decent horror/suspense novel gets turned into a mediocre movie starring Corey Haim, and I then proceed, with the utmost scientific care, to watch it AND the three sequels it spawned?

Stay tuned to Take 4 to find out. And hopefully my brain won't have leaked completely out of my ears.

Take 4: Creatures of the Night

I finish this review from the lobby of the Fairmont Hotel in Chicago at the 2005 Account Planning Conference. Was surprised that I enjoyed these movies as much as I did...apart from giving out my first ever "Run in Fear" rating. For those of you who don't really care for horror movies...I'm afraid (no pun intended) there are quite few coming up in the ol' queue.

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Underworld (2003)

The Creatures in Question: A "house" of vampires and a "clan" of werewolves. Or is it a "clan" of vampires and a "pack" of werewolves? I'd actually prefer a "goth" of vampires and a "hullabaloo" of werewolves, but nobody asked me. Regardless, there's a lot of 'em.

In the Beginning: In the midst of a war (calling it a feud would be an understatement) between vampires and werewolves, a female vampire discovers that the werewolves are hunting down a human (for something other than food) and sets out to find out what's up.

The Plot Thickens: Celine, the female vampire, sets out to help the human (Michael), only to became romantically attached to him. And, in typical Romeo and Juliet fashion, he shortly thereafter becomes bitten by a werewolf.

I Know Them!: Kate Beckinsale (Celine) is a name I recognized, but couldn't place what movies I'd seen seen her in. Turns out she was in Van Helsing. Also, Scott Speedman played Michael, and he was also one of the two male leads in TV's Felicity.

Favorite Character: While I pretty much enjoyed this movie, it wasn't because of any compelling characters. The vampires were all kind of portrayed with the same gothic seriousness and intensity that was indistinguishable from one to the next, while the werewolves were all pretty much pushed by frustrated bloodlust.

Random Trivia: The name of the city where the film took place is never mentioned. However, Michael's address can be can see on Selene's computer when she tries to track him down, and it shows that the city is actually Budapest, Hungary.

Great Quotes: Selene: "Lycans are allergic to silver. We have to get the bullets out quickly, or they end up dying on us during questioning." Michael: "What happens to them afterward?" Selene: "We put the bullets back in."

Curt's Take: "Worth Considering" - The first fifteen minutes or so were a confusing mix of action and no dialogue, which made it difficult to puzzle out who was who and what was going on, but I actually (to my surprise) kept up. The story was okay, so not sure what actually keeps this one from just sliding into the obscurity of the "Not a Priority" rating. It might have been the action scenes, which were well choreographed, combined with the art design, in a world that is largely black, white and gray, with intense moments of red (usually either blood or velvet) and blue (usually the eyes of the beasts). On a side note, did find it amusing that in the opening scenes there was some product placement by Bacardi, with their blood-red bat symbol displayed prominently in the subway station.

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Blade: Trinity (2004)

The Creatures in Question: Vampires. They're kind of like the mafia in this one. Have their fingers and fangs in businesses all over town. And we can't forget the granddaddy of 'em all, Dracula.

In the Beginning: A flock of vampires awakens Dracula, and then immediately entraps Blade into killing a human. He is caught by the police and confined for questioning.

The Plot Thickens: A gaggle (okay, I'll stop) of vampires attempts to take custody of Blade, just as a splinter group of vampire hunter (the "Nightstalkers") thwarts their plans with a jailbreak. Blade joins the Nightstalkers in trying to hunt down Dracula and end the vampire menace.

I Know Them!: A lot of folks in this one: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson and Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder, TV's Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place) were the ones I knew coming into this one. I knew the name "Jessica Biel," but couldn't tell you (before) what else she'd been in. Was very surprised to see, however, Dominic Purcell, from TV's underrated John Doe (although he is probably one of the least Dracular Dracula's I've ever seen). And also, Parker Posey, who has been in Best in Show and Scream 3.

Favorite Character: While Ryan Reynolds in a favorite, he didn't rise to the top in this one. Maybe it's just that I love Parker Posey, but her portrayal of Danica Talos was great. Part stuck-up socialite and part raving lunatic vampire, she was the perfect foil to Reynolds.

Random Trivia: One of the television commercials for the film was recalled after one day of airing because it accidentally credited Jessica Biel as Jessica Alba. Also, Ryan Reynolds gained 25 pounds of muscle for his role as Hannibal King.

Great Quotes: Hannibal King: "We call ourselves the Nightstalkers." Blade: "Sounds like a reject from a Saturday morning cartoon." Hannibal King: "Well, we were going to go with the Care Bears, but that was taken."; Danica Talos: "Tell us about Blade, King. What's this weapon he's planning?" Hannibal King: "I can tell you two things. One, your hairdo is ridiculous. And two, I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. Silent but deadly."

Curt's Take: "Worth Considering" - I enjoyed the first one, but was really disappointed by Blade 2 (the entire movie seemed like it took place in shadows and I couldn't see much of anything). This one was very entertaining and engaging, and had enough variety in character, tone, and action that it held my interest. The effects were pretty good, and the fight scenes were just interesting to watch. If you're looking for consistent tone, though...this might have too many one-liners for you.

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Dracula 2: The Ascension (2003)

The Creatures in Question: Vampires. Well, vampire. Singular for the most part, except a few special cases who don't last long. Newbs.

In the Beginning: Medical students working a morgue (is that even likely?) are brought a mysterious corpse (the freshly killed Dracula from the movie before this, Dracula 2000) and steal it so they can analyze it scientifically, without being harrassed by government agencies who seek to "cover up the truth."

The Plot Thickens: The vampire comes back to un-life, causes a little mayhem, and while it eventually frees itself, it never actually leaves the confines of the drained indoor pool that it was being held captive in. And it never even really reveals itself as Dracula, come to think of it...

I Know Them!: Well, Roy "We're Gonna Have to Get a Bigger Boat" Scheider makes a cameo as the cardinal who advises the vampire hunting priest (who has a pretty small role in the film). Other than that, thought I recognized Jeremy London, but turns out it was his twin brother Jason. Oops.

Favorite Character: Jason London was kind of amusing. Within three seconds of the corpse hitting the slab, he figured it was a vampire because it had been 1) burned alive, 2) while hung by the neck, 3) from a cross, 4) at dawn. He also later taps into the (as it turns out, true) tales of vampires being compulsive counters...that is, if they come across a scattering of seeds on the ground, they will need to stop and count each seed before they can continue on. Well, turns out Drac can pretty much count well into the hundreds of thousands instantaeously. Oops.

Random Trivia: This was a sequel to Dracula 2000, which I'd also seen. I thought the first one was actually kind of original because they explored the origin of Dracula. Turns out Dracula was actually (are you ready for this?) Judas Iscariot, from the Bible. When he betrayed Christ, God cursed him, and Judas hung himself...but that wasn't the end of him. But it did explain his hatred of all things holy, his aversion to silver (the bribe Judas was given), etc. Anyway, was a neat take on a well-known legend. Didn't do much with it in this one, though. Oops.

Great Quotes: Tanya (after having helped steal a corpse from a morgue, as well as 350 pints of blood): "To think I was acing 'Ethical Problems in Modern Medicine' this semester."

Curt's Take: The movie slowly sank from "Not a Priority," to "Don't Bother." The last minute of the film, though, was the final nail in the coffin (see what I did there...it's a vampire movie...and vampires live in...um...yeah). So, it gets my first official "Run in Fear" rating. Seriously...the last scene in the film is the main vampire (who is only alluded to as Dracula in a dream sequence) standing over the body of a priest...and then it just ends. What's worse is that I checked IMDB, and...there's a Dracula 3. And...Netflix has it. Apparently the priest (who isn't dead?) and Jason London travel to Europe to follow Dracula. God help me...I just added it to my list.

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Cursed (2005)

The Creatures in Question: Werewolves. Funny thing about them, though...unlike vampires, you never really know who is one until it's too late.

In the Beginning: Siblings Jimmy and Ellie get into a car accident, only to be scratched/bitten by some creature as they try to come to the aid of the person in the car that they hit. After that, things start to get a little hairy (heh, heh...see what I did there?).

The Plot Thickens: People begin to mysteriously die around town, as if mauled by a vicious animal, leading Jimmy and Ellie to question whether they are to blame or if there is another mysterious creature in town.

I Know Them!: Quite a few folks in this: Christina Ricci (The Addams Family), Joshua Jackson (Dawson's Creek), Portia de Rossi (Arrested Development), Shannon Elizabeth (American Pie). And, of course, Craig Kilborne and Scott Baio. Oh, yeah, almost forgot...Michael Rosenbaum (Smallville). And Judy Greer (The Village). I had to look those last two people up...I recognized them, but didn't know their names.

Favorite Character: Joanie (played by Judy Greer). Very endearing as a bitch.

Random Trivia: Plagued by production problems and script issues, this film's release was delayed for over a year. When the production was stalled, many cast members were cut, including Illeana Douglas, Heather Langenkamp, Scott Foley, Omar Epps, Robert Forster and Corey Feldman. All of these actors even filmed their scenes which were cut when the movie was re-written and re-shot.

Great Quotes: (Describing the werewolf to the authorities) Jimmy: "About 5 foot 10..." Ellie: "Bony ass, fat thighs, and ugly skin." (the werewolf breaks through a window and gives Ellie the finger).

Curt's Take: Somewhere between "Worth Considering" and "Not a Priority." If you're looking for a Scream-like Wes Craven film (did I mention he directed this?), it kind of falls short (not really a lot of suspects, and doesn't really keep you guessing). However, if looking for a not-the-run-of-the-mill werewolf movie, you might want to check it out. Some tongue-in-cheek moments, some shocking moments. Not bad, not excellent..