Take 4: The Sequel Project

Which is better...the book or the movie? The original or the sequel? This time around on Take 4, we embark on a brief exploratory journey into the world of movies based on books...and the devolution therein. Submitted for your approval, one book by suspense/horror novelist, Dean Koontz: Watchers. It was one of the first books in that genre I ever read, way back in middle school, and one of the few books that actually got my tears flowing toward the end. However, I never thought it...well...good enough to be the genesis of a Hollywood motion picture, let alone a string of sequels. So what happens to the quality of the Watchers "franchise" (I shudder to call it that) over time, as filmmaking styles come and go, as trends change, and actors enter and leave the series? More importantly, what happens to my mental well-being? We're about to find out.

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Watchers (1988)

In the Beginning: A fire breaks out at an experimental biological/genetic lab, and three creatures escape: GH3 (a very bright golden retriever), OXCOM (Outside Experimental Combat Mammal: a psychotic killing monster on two legs) and Roger Corman, a Hollywood movie producer known for such classics as Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Beast with a Million Eyes, and The Brain Eaters. Okay, kidding...Corman is the producer, though, and three creatures do escape, but the third creature is rather pointless and not really even worth going into, although Corman tries to make its "unveiling" a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan. Corman has produced over 350 B-movies, so guess this just adds to the trend

The Plot Thickens: The monster kills Corey Haim's girlfriend's dad and the NSO (National Security Organization...*snicker*) places the girlfriend (played by an actress billed only under the name "Lala") in protective custody. The dog, which is being stalked by the monster, joins Corey and his mom to find the girlfriend, foil the government's plans and stop the creature from killing anyone else...although not sure how successful they are, considering there are sequels (plural).

Body Count: 14 (Monster: 10, Government: 2, Other: 2)

I Know Them: Corey Haim (not Feldman) plays the antagonizing protagonist and Roger Corman is the producer (see above). Also, Jason Priestly (the only person in this to still have somewhat of a career) and Don Davis (who I know best as Bobby Brigg's father from television's Twin Peaks). Let's watch this number dwindle as the sequels wash ashore.

Least Favorite Character: Had to change this category up from the usual, just because of the nature of the experiment. Anyway, Corey Haim. Sure, his character has a name (Travis), but he just comes off as Corey Haim. Translation: You just want to smack his smug little face. Coming in a close second, though, was The Australian Washing Machine Repairman. "Blimey!" Good news: One of them dies. Bad news: It's not Corey.

Great Quotes: (Regarding the death of a local farmer) Young Female Deputy: "I don't think this was a grizzly bear, sheriff. This thing has Sasquatch written all over it."; (Phone call from local school ends abruptly) Sheriff: "What is it?" Young Female Deputy: "The maintenance man over at the high school...bunch of screaming." (Responding to sheriff's quizzical look) "If it's important, he'll call back..."

Curt's Take: "Don't Bother" - Wow. Pretty bad...but didn't commit any sins so major that this drops off into the "Run in Fear" category. While it's been a while since I've read the book, I really don't remember an "Australian Washing Machine Repairman," or his head ending up in the dryer (screw the "Spoiler Alerts"...you aren't going to watch this anyway). I seem to remember there being some sort of older adult male protagonist, but that was absent from this...no, we just get His Royal Smugness, Corey Haim. I have to ask this, though...if this dog is so damn smart, why does he break into Corey's truck's glove compartment to get to a chocolate candy bar? Maybe part of the experimentation that took place now allows him to digest/metabolize it. Or maybe it was a trade-off: the dog's literate, but confection-identification challenged.

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All right. The first movie wasn't that great. Heck, it might have gone straight to video for all I know. So, it's not like there's a high quality benchmark here. Surely the rest can't be MUCH worse, can they? I'm predicting for the next installment something that still falls within the "Don't Bother" range, but is actually (unintentionally) amusing. I hope. Right now, however, I'm not looking to curl up in the fetal position or anything, so I think I'm holding up pretty good mentally and could actually take something that turns out to be pretty bad...and yet, for some reason, I'm hesitant to hit that "play" button.

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Watchers 2 (1990)

In the Beginning: We are introduced to another experimental genetics lab that created two intelligent beings: AE-73 (a dog meant to act as a spy) and AE-74, "The Outsider" (a murderous creature meant to act as an assassin). After two moron NSA agents (for some reason they avoided the use of this actual acronym in the first movie, the National Security Agency) are killed when they traipse into the test lab and pretty much just stick their heads right into AE-74's cage for a look-see, the experimental program is shut down.

The Plot Thickens: Steve Maleno, head of the program, pays some animal activists to free all the animals from the lab to prevent them from being destroyed when the program is terminated (there are a bunch of cute monkeys, rats and bunnies in the lab, but guess they are just normal critters). In the ensuing chaos AE's 73 and 74 escape. As in the first movie, the monster begins to stalk the dog. Unlike the first movie, we are spared the agony of having to deal with Corey Haim.

Body Count: 16 (Monster: 14, Others: 2); A higher body count than the first film, but if you don't count a sheep that the creature kills, it becomes a little bit more even (15)

They're Baaaaaaaack: Roger Corman is back as producer...woo hoo! Get ready for some fake-looking decapitations and bloody eyeball-gouging.

I Know Them!: Marc Singer and Tracy Scoggins lead the cast, and I hated to say it...but they both sounded familiar. So I hopped on www.imdb.com and checked. Sure enough, I wasn't crazy...Marc Singer was the Beastmaster in...er...The Beastmaster. Check. Ms. Scoggins, however, eluded me...she's been in several TV shows, but nothing I watch. So, 1 for 2.

Least Favorite Character: Dr. Maleno was pretty detestable, but not on a Corey Haim level of hatred. Plus, he was kind of a bad guy, anyway, so he's not supposed to be a charmer.

Great Quotes: Dr. Maleno: "I hope you know what you're throwing away. Seventy-four [the creature] is one of the greatest achievements in the history of genetic science. It's a success." Dr. Glatman: "At what? Killing bureaucrats?"

Curt's Take: Yes, a "Don't Bother," but interestingly, actually better than the first film. Maybe because it lacked any sign of Haim-taint, but I was able to watch it from start to finish without wanting to smack anyone. Plus, I think it was a little more true to the book. Actually...if we could somehow merge both movies, we might have something damn close to what I remember the book to be like. Although it took itself more seriously than its predecessor, it was still a bit more watchable, in spite of fewer "I'm laughing at you, not with you" moments.

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Okay, that wasn't so bad. The second movie was more watchable than the first movie. Even if just marginally so. I'm ready to throw in number three, and see if we can't bump something in this series up to a "Not a Priority" rating. And so...perhaps as a sign of things to come...the DVD player refuses to read the next DVD. It does this sometimes...I just need to let it sit and rest. This cannot bode well, though.

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Watchers 3 (1994)

In the Beginning: Two NSA morons enter a research facility...hey...wait a minute...this is the same footage that was at the beginning of Watchers 2! I'm not kidding...except instead of the creature killing them they remove two packages labeled "Medical Supplies." They airdrop these into the vicinity of a camp of South American guerillas. Turns out the dog and the creature from the second movie are in them. See, the dog was created to infiltrate enemy camps, and the creature was created to track the dog (telepathically, or something...I've stopped caring) and kill the people at the enemy camp. This was explained in the...first movie, I think. Anyway, they finally get around to doing it. Dog enters camp, creature attacks, etc.

The Plot Thickens: Paul (the main character from Watchers 2) is released from prison (still not clear on how he got there after the second movie) in order to enter the South American jungles with four others and...well...I'm not really sure. I think they're supposed to terminate the creature and rescue the dog, but things go horribly wrong, of course.

Body Count: 12 (Creature: 6, Other: 3, Unclear: 3); Lower body count, but this is mitigated by the fact that 1) the creature wipes out the above-mentioned enemy camp, you only see an edited version of this, and it's unclear how many casualites there are and 2) they are in a South American jungle, where it is much more difficult for the creature to just stumble across people to decapitate. I think if the death toll from the camp was able to be determined, we'd be above the last film's count of 16.

They're Baaaaaaaack: Mr. Corman...for the sake of all that is holy...wasn't two enough? No? Okay...please stop at three. Also, while the character of Paul Ferguson is back, it is no longer being played by Marc Singer. Apparently being thrown in prison between sequels adds about 20 pounds of body fat, causes you to need eyeglasses, and forces you to be played by an actor named "Wings Hauser." We also have AE-73 (the dog, aka "Einstein") and AE-74 (the creature, aka "The Outsider"). Don't know if they are played by the same dog and man in a rubber suit, though.

I Know Them!: With the removal of The Beastmaster, didn't know a single person. I'm afraid I'd have to track down and soundly beat anybody I recognized who appeared in this film.

Least Favorite Character: There are a ton to hate in this one. Hard to settle on just one. I was really annoyed by the female doctor who tracked the movements of Ferguson's crew by radar. Very cold and looked like she realized that it was a huge mistake agreeing to appear on-screen for the two minutes that she does in this film.

Great Quotes: Bonetti: "Are you an idiot, or are you just fuckin' stupid." (I truly wonder if the writers meant this to be a ridiculous line...it's hard to tell)

Curt's Take: Ladies and gentlemen...we have a "Run in Fear" movie. This was so absolutely terrible. It committed three unforgiveable sins, in my eyes:

1) Same character, different actor. The role of Ferguson, as mentioned above, was played by Wings Hauser, not Marc Singer. Additional penalty for being named "Wings." That better be a stage name. Who would do that to a kid? Although "Wings Clark" has a certain ring to it.

2) Recycled footage. They didn't even bother to shoot the opening scenes, where the dog and creature are taken from a research lab in the "Supplies" boxes. They just stole the footage from the second film. I felt embarrassed for the cast and crew at this point.

3) Rip-off. Have you seen Predator? Yes? Okay, then you don't need to see this. Group of gun-toting tough guys in the jungle, stalking a monster-like (yet intelligent) creature. Been there, done that.

So, the worst of the saga so far. Could only have been made worse if Corey Haim had a role.

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Three down. One to go. Is this another Roger Corman hit, or did some other producer take up the reins? Will Ferguson come back, to be played by someone completely different? Is AE-74 finally dead? Okay, well, it is called Watchers Reborn, so not holding my breath on that last count. Anyway, in a slight daze from watching that the previous film. Let's see if the last one ends up being the final nail in my coffin.

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Watchers Reborn (1998)

In the Beginning: Let me just say that it's scary how the quality of the opening credits degrades as the sequels progress. That having been said...we are treated to an opening montage of scenes from the last few movies. It gives the history of the Aesop Project (from which AE-73 and AE-74 were created), and how both creatures escaped the Banodyne Research Lab during a fire. In other words...we're going to pretend the last two movies never happened. And the first one, for that matter.

The Plot Thickens: After escaping, the creature goes on a rampage, trying to track down the dog, killing everything in its way. The dog joins forces with a detective and one of the lab's scientists in order to stop the creature, as well as the government agents who are hell-bent on covering up all traces of the creature's mayhem.

Body Count: 18 (Creature: 15, Government: 2, Other: 1); We have a winner! There might have been more, because there was a showdown betwee the creature and some government agents that had a lot of blood and bodies flying around, and the MTV-style editing was damn close to giving me a seizure, so I couldn't pay as much attention to it as I would have liked.

They're Baaaaaaaack: No repeat actors (unless, again, it's the same dog and man in a rubber suit). As for characters, we do have Einstein and The Outsider again. Interestingly, The Outsider is a red, hairy mammal, much like that big mass of red hair from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. In the first two movies, it was humanoid and slightly insect/Alien-looking, while in the third one, it was reptilian, and blended in with the jungle. Make up your mind, folks. Oh...and last but not least, Roger Corman. He produced four of these. Roger...you're slipping, bro.

I Know Them!: Wow. Whereas I knew nobody in the last film, I know more people in this film than any that I've seen in prior reviews. I don't know what to make of that, other than that I'm very, very scared:

- Mark Hamill (co-producer and actor): This was the shocking one. I actually audibly yelped when I saw his name. You all know him from Star Wars, as well as a slew of voiceover stuff

- Lisa Wilcox: I knew the name...but wasn't sure where from. And she looked familiar. Turns out she played "Alice" in Nightmare on Elm Street IV and V (the one who would gain the "dream powers" of her friends as they died...um...yeah, I'm a horror movie geek)

- Stephen Macht: Didn't recognize the name, but knew the face. He has had smaller roles in lots of films, mostly as a cop. I think I know him best as the cop in the comedy The Monster Squad

- Lou Rawls: Plays a medical examiner in this...but he's an R&B singer. Weird.

- Kane Hodder: The only role I ever knew him to play was "Jason" in a ton of the Friday the 13th movies. Turns out he does a lot of stunt choreography. He has a small role in this film as a grocery store clerk.

- Gary Collins: Knew the name and face, but not sure what else he has been in. Turns out he was in Roots and was the ringmaster for many years in Circus of the Stars, for those of you who remember that.

- Larry Cedar: Recognized the face...had to look up the name. He was on the PBS series Square One which I used to watch all the time in my pre-college years.

Least Favorite Character: Really getting sick of The Outsider. He keeps killing people. And in this one he kills a cute chimpanzee. That's crossing the line, mister.

Great Quotes: There really weren't any. I was surprised. Had thought at first Mark Hamill was going to be a grown-up-but-just-as-smug Corey Haim, with some one-liners that were supposed to be funny, but there really weren't any memorable lines.

Curt's Take: "Don't Bother" - Well, was going to be hard to sink lower than Watchers 3, and the continual parade of C-level celebrities kept my interest. I was a little surprised to see them start out with a fire in the genetics lab again. Seriously...it's like for three of the four movies, the writer/director just decided to hit the rewind button and start over with a new take on the novel rather than try to establish continuity in the story. It's like Run Lola Run...except bad. Maybe in Watchers 5, the creature/dog escape the lab and board a cruise ship, where much hilarity ensues.

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So...I did it. And I'm in one piece. It really wasn't that painful. Watchers 1, 2 and 4 were watchable, and I was half-drunk for half of Watchers 3, so it all worked out in the end. So, I'm all ready to hit the old "Power" button on the DVD player and call it a...wait...what's this? Dammit. Watchers 1 and 2 were on the same DVD. I've only reviewed 3 discs. I'm not done??? Fine. Whatever. Let's sign off with one last Dean Koontz movie. I don't think I've read the book for this one, and it's not part of the Watchers saga, so hopefully this will cleanse the palate somewhat.

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The Servants of Twilight (1991)

In the Beginning: Christine and her son, Joey, are accosted by a manic woman in a parking garage who proclaims that Joey must die. The next morning, their dog is found decapitated outside in their backyard.

The Plot Thickens: Fearing for the life of her son, Christine hires Charlie, a private detective, to protect her son from the woman's cult, which believes that Joey is the Antichrist. As none of you are ever going to see this, I feel fine giving this away: turns out Joey IS the Antichrist. Oops.

Body Count: 13; I was going to break this down between those deaths attributable to the cult and those to the "good guys." But, then cult members started killing cult members, good guys turned out to be cult members, and cult members turned out to be good guys. Add into that a couple returns from the dead, and a death by...bats...and it got a little hard to keep score. But when it comes to battling the forces of evil, are there really any losers?

They're Baaaaaaaack: There's a dog in the film. Looks a little like a golden retriever. AE-73 was a golden retriever. I had to do a couple double-takes at certain points in the movie to remember which one I was watching. But, at least this wasn't another Roger Corman film.

I Know Them!: I knew Grace Zabriskie from her role as Laura Palmer's mother in the TV series Twin Peaks. I also knew Carel Struycken...he played "Lurch" in the two Addams Family movies and, coincidentally, played "The Giant" in the dream sequences of the Twin Peaks series.

Least Favorite Character: Wasn't anyone who stood out as eminently hateable. Would have to say the least memorable is Christine, Joey's mom. She was just kind of...there. You'd think the mom of the Antichrist would at least be somewhat interesting.

Great Quotes: Charlie: "You ever hear of Michael Jordan?" Joey: "Yeah." Charlie: "We're going to see him play tonight." Christine: "We're going to Detroit?" (Found the "You're an idiot" glance that Charlie gives her before correcting her hilarious, especially since there is supposed to be a romantic connection growing between the two of them).

Curt's Take: A weak "Not a Priority." It might have run the risk of drifting down into the "Don't Bother" range, except for the fact that I just got done watching four pretty bad films. The sheer contrast made this movie eminently more watchable. Plus, the last 10-15 minutes was pretty interesting. I just wish that the events of the last part of the movie had been the beginning of it...THEN it would have been a lot more interesting. Rather than ending the movie with Charlie finding out Joey was indeed the Antichrist...and that Joey wanted Charlie as his new dad...let's start the movie there. That would have been a LOT more interesting. Still, overall, was tolerable...but not a priority.