Take 4: Surreal Estate
Cabin Fever (2002)
The Pitch: "I know the path up here is a bit long, but most pick-up trucks can handle it. Besides...the seclusion here in the woods is part of the charm of the place. Now, as we approach the rustic cabin, take note of the firepit. It's a great gathering place for you...and about four of your friends...if you decide to come up here for a weekend of partying, drinking, and casual sex. Note the small shed, set a little ways back from the cabin? Well, if any of your friends get a bit rowdy...or, heaven forbid, come down with a deadly flesh-eating disease that causes both fear and paranoia to spread through your group because you're not really sure who has it or how it's contracted...this shed sure comes in handy, locking up real nice and tight. As for the cabin itself, it's a charming two-bedroom, one-bath, with all the water piped in from the local reservoir. But...um...you may want to bring your own bottled water. Really. As for the locals, they probably won't meddle too much in your affairs...you may want to wash your hands thoroughly after meeting them, though, just in case. Oh...and the number for the CDC is tacked to the fridge. Too bad there aren't any phones..."
Knock, Knock...: Well, the primary characters are Paul (played by Rider Strong of Boy Meets World) and four of his friends from school. Apart from Strong, I really didn't recognize anybody in this. Not saying this was low-budget, but come on...the main star plays a supporting role to Fred Savage's younger brother on a sitcom that is in syndication on The Disney Channel. 'Nuff said. 
Things to Look Out For: Despite the acting firepower that fuels this film, there was nothing Disney about it...the blood effects alone probably earned this film its "R" rating. Remember the buzz behind Hostel, about how it was so disturbing...it was directed by Eli Roth...and so was Cabin Fever. In short: don't watch this during dinner. There are some fun special features, though. First, there's the "Family Version" of the movie, edited down to achieve a "G" rating. Good stuff. Next, there's the "Chick Version," which uses a subtitle track to throw silhouettes of hands up on the screen during the scary parts, with more of the movie being obscured as scenes get more intense. Clever, but only to check out briefly. There's a half-hour behind-the-scenes look at the blood and gore effects of the movie...which I skipped. Okay, so I have a squeamish stomach. Sue me. Finally...there are three brief claymation short films about a band called "The Rotten Fruits" that is comprised of...well...fruit. A banana. An apple. A coconut. A pineapple. Yes...fruit. I think Eli Roth helped make the films. They're actually pretty funny, in a demented South Park sort of way, so watch them if that kind of humor suits you.
And I Quote: Tommy the Storeowner: "Boy, you wanna give me one good reason why you would steal a Snickers bar?" Bert: "The nougat?"
Random Trivia: While filming a particularly bloody scene, Rider Strong decided to go for a walk in the woods between setups. Covered head to toe in blood, he happened upon a group of 35 school girls, who were on a field trip. The girls screamed at the sight of this blood-drenched hiker, and then screamed even louder when they realized the hiker was the star of Boy Meets World. The girls chased Rider through the woods, who eventually made it back to the film crew, and vowed never to wander off between scenes again.
Curt's Take: "Not a Priority" - This was going to get a "Don't Bother," because the acting and writing was so bad at the beginning. Had also gone into this thinking it was a slasher film, but alas...it wasn't. Not in the conventional sense at least. But at one point...about two-thirds of the way through the film...it was like cast and crew decided to stop taking themselves so seriously and just had fun with the flick. It kind of hit me out of left field...but I kept watching out of a morbid curiosity about what was going to happen next. I mean, one minute you're watching someone coughing blood in a nasty projectile vomit fashion...and the next, there's a fight at a campfire where someone gets a harmonica lodged in their throat and is making disturbing musical sounds as he tries to remove it. So, overall...nothing to write home about, but check it out if you're drunk and there's nothing else on that interests you.
House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
The Pitch: "So, the woods didn't suit you? Well, how about rural America? Farmland? Here, we got a nice farmstead...a bit of a fixer-upper, yes, but it comes furnished. The former tenants were a bit on the wacky side, and didn't have much talent when it came to interior decorating. It's pretty secluded out here, though...sure, you get the occasional car of cheerleaders or college students who come poking around looking into scary local legends, but if they happen to stop at the house because of bad weather or due to an inconvenient automotive mishap, there's plenty of guest rooms. Unfortunately, I can't show them to you now...they need a bit of...um...cleaning first. The basement is pretty extensive, as well, and there are all sorts of tunnels around here, so be careful. If you need any supplies, there's a gas station/fried chicken stand/Museum of Murder and Mayhem a couple miles up the road. What? What red stain? I'm sure it's just a trick of the light..."
Knock, Knock...: This tribute to 1970's horror film, directed by Rob Zombie, only had two folks I recognized: Rainn Wilson (who has appeared in both Six Feet Under and the U.S. version of The Office) and Chris Hardwick...who I think was a stand-up comic, but who hosted a slew of MTV shows. They play two of the four college students that get lost along the backroads of America, and accidentally stumble into a situation that is somewhere between Deliverance and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. 
Things to Look Out For: While this film was nowhere as bloody as Cabin Fever, it was a lot more graphic and intense. A lot of the tension, though, came from the filming conventions used, where normal movie footage was interspliced with hand-held videocam footage, "newsreel" clips and strangely distorted flashbacks and dream sequences. Overall, it was a little frenetic, but the fast-paced style kept me always wondering what was going to happen next.
And I Quote: Otis: "Better you leave here with your head still full of kitty cats and puppy dogs."
Random Trivia: The actual house is the same used in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982), which can be viewed during Universal Studio's tram ride. However, during filming, Universal refused to cease the tram tours, which delayed filming during many scenes.
Curt's Take: "Not a Priority" - Very close to a "Worth Considering," though. I had been expecting this to be just a pointless gorefest, but the manner in which it was shot was very engaging to watch. The acting wasn't terrible, and although formulaic, the "plot" was classic: college students stumble into strange house full of oddball psychos, from whom they then try to escape. It was a bit confusing, though, keeping track of the underlying "Dr. Satan: Urban Legend or Reality?" story...also, the two female college students are so interchangeable, that I had a hard time keeping track of who was who. Throw in five missing cheerleaders, and everytime I see a brunette on the screen, I have no idea who it is. Overall, was better than I thought it would be, but not worth going out of your way to see unless you're a huge horror (or Rob Zombie) fan.
House of the Dead (2003)
Knock, Knock...: Only recognized two people in this movie. First off, Clint Howard (Ron Howard's brother) who gets all sorts of small, creepy roles in random films. Here, he plays the first mate (or whatever) of the fishing boat that our band of "heroes" take to the island when they miss the main boat on their way to the rave (yes..I wasn't kidding about the rave). Second, I recognized Tyron Leitso, who played Simon...underwear model turned zombie-slayer...one of the group of friends who are looking for a way off the deadly rave island (sorry...can't get over that plot detail). Tyron also played Eric, the bartender, in Wonderfalls, one of the best television series ever. While I never thought he was a great actor in that, this film was a major step down for him.
Things to Look Out For: First off, for those of you not in the know, this movie was loosely based on the video game by the same name. In a less-than-stellar editing move, they use clips from the game as transitions between scenes in the movie. Very random and tacky. Apart from a lot of gunfire, the movie has little resemblance to the game. I remember the game involving a big mansion...here, you have a small crumbling stone house that doesn't even really become used until there's only half an hour left in the movie. Lots of zombies, though. As for special features, the only one worth watching was the four-minute behind-the scenes look at how the "hot babes" of the movie prepared for their roles. It showed them playing the video game and giggling (lovely), and then being taken to a paintball range where (I actually found this to be hilarious), four production assistants with no padding or protection were made-up to look like zombies, and then attacked the women, who fired at them with the paintball guns. The PA's walked away with huge welts and bigger tempers...and headed straight for the paintball supply depot, where they attacked the "babes" (who were wearing even less padding and protection) with their guns. Ah...bliss.
And I Quote: Rudy: "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" Castillo: "To live forever!" 
Random Trivia: At the end of the film, the survivors are rescued by a helicopter. As it is landing, two men dressed in trench coats get off the helicopter. This is a reference to the original House of the Dead video game in which the protagonists are two special agents in overcoats.
Curt's Take: "Run in Fear" - Not because the movie is scary. Because it's truly bad. The DVD I had skipped a little here and there, and I really didn't care...it brought me closer to the end a little quicker. Acting...bad. Writing...bad. Action sequences...they had one of those camera things from The Matrix that you could rotate around someone quickly so you got the classic "Neo dodges a bullet" shots, but instead had "Rudy dodges a zombie claw" moments. Was kind of neat the first time...but then they used it over and over and over. Argh. And did I mention the rave? Yeah...that's a great hook to get people on the island. And I'm not even sure why the rave happened in the first place...like, why did the baddie even need to get all these people to the island? There wasn't any subplot about a big mass sacrifice or spreading evil glowsticks via ravers (because, in my little world, raves and glowsticks go hand-in-hand). Overall...a pointless exercise in evil and zombificiation. If you're going to see a zombie movie based on a video game, go see any of the Resident Evil movies. Let this one stay on the rental shelf.
House of Seven Corpses (1974)
The Pitch: "Saving the best place for last. No cabins, no backwater farmsteads...what we have here is an honest-to-goodness mansion. It isn't without its history, however...the former owners, the Beal family, all died under mysterious circumstances. Fatal falls, gunshots, stabbings, drownings...suicide...the Beal curse claimed seven family members in all. They are buried in a small plot off to the side of the house. Don't worry, though, it's clearly marked. Anyway, that happened ages ago. Most recently, however, a film crew set up shop here to shoot a movie based on the life of the Beal family. Somewhere around here is the book that the cast and crew found stashed on a musty bookshelf...The Tibetan Book of the Dead or some such title. They used it to lend an air of authenticity to the movie they were filming, which had elements of ritualistic witchcraft. Nobody is really sure what happened to the cast and crew, though...they left a lot of their equipment here, as you can see, and I don't think their movie was ever released. I'm sure they just went back to Hollywood..."
Knock, Knock...: It's an older film, and didn't have a high production value...so not sure if any of these folks were in anything else. One name I recognized, though, was John Carradine...but I must not know my Carradines that well, because until I checked the Internet, I had him pegged as the wrong actor. I think I was thinking of David Carradine. But there were no martial arts in the this film.
Things to Look Out For: No special features...which isn't a bad thing. Pretty terrible acting, though...but kind of cute in a "yesteryear" sort of way. 
And I Quote: Gail: "And when we're not filming, how do we find our rooms in the dark?" Eric: "By candlelight." Christopher: "If there's a bed in there, she'll find it..."
Random Trivia: Apparently the title of this movie inspired the title of "House of 1000 Corpses," which itself was supposed to be a tribute to the cheesy horror films of the 1970's.
Curt's Take: "Don't Bother" - This actually almost got a "Worth Considering," if you can believe it, but that was when I thought the film was going to go into a different direction than it did. You've got a film crew in a creepy old mansion, where a whole family died in a variety of strange and sudden manners. I was fully expecting a Scream-type story, with people getting bumped off, one by one, and with an ever-narrowing pool of suspects. But no. They pretty much all die within a ten-minute window at the end of the film, and sadly it is due to supernatural means. If they had gone the other route, with a clever killer who played cat-and-mouse with his victims, filling people with doubt and paranoia about whether one of their fellow actors or crewmembers is behind the mayhem...or whether it's an honest-to-goodness ghost or undead creature. But no...it's simply an "Evil Book Brings Back the Dead to Kill the Living in an Anti-Climactic Way" film.
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Next Time on Take 4: Time to head back to the television, as we follow a group of gay and lesbian friends and their families, dealing with life in scenic...Pittsburgh?
The Pitch: "I know the path up here is a bit long, but most pick-up trucks can handle it. Besides...the seclusion here in the woods is part of the charm of the place. Now, as we approach the rustic cabin, take note of the firepit. It's a great gathering place for you...and about four of your friends...if you decide to come up here for a weekend of partying, drinking, and casual sex. Note the small shed, set a little ways back from the cabin? Well, if any of your friends get a bit rowdy...or, heaven forbid, come down with a deadly flesh-eating disease that causes both fear and paranoia to spread through your group because you're not really sure who has it or how it's contracted...this shed sure comes in handy, locking up real nice and tight. As for the cabin itself, it's a charming two-bedroom, one-bath, with all the water piped in from the local reservoir. But...um...you may want to bring your own bottled water. Really. As for the locals, they probably won't meddle too much in your affairs...you may want to wash your hands thoroughly after meeting them, though, just in case. Oh...and the number for the CDC is tacked to the fridge. Too bad there aren't any phones..."
Knock, Knock...: Well, the primary characters are Paul (played by Rider Strong of Boy Meets World) and four of his friends from school. Apart from Strong, I really didn't recognize anybody in this. Not saying this was low-budget, but come on...the main star plays a supporting role to Fred Savage's younger brother on a sitcom that is in syndication on The Disney Channel. 'Nuff said.
Things to Look Out For: Despite the acting firepower that fuels this film, there was nothing Disney about it...the blood effects alone probably earned this film its "R" rating. Remember the buzz behind Hostel, about how it was so disturbing...it was directed by Eli Roth...and so was Cabin Fever. In short: don't watch this during dinner. There are some fun special features, though. First, there's the "Family Version" of the movie, edited down to achieve a "G" rating. Good stuff. Next, there's the "Chick Version," which uses a subtitle track to throw silhouettes of hands up on the screen during the scary parts, with more of the movie being obscured as scenes get more intense. Clever, but only to check out briefly. There's a half-hour behind-the-scenes look at the blood and gore effects of the movie...which I skipped. Okay, so I have a squeamish stomach. Sue me. Finally...there are three brief claymation short films about a band called "The Rotten Fruits" that is comprised of...well...fruit. A banana. An apple. A coconut. A pineapple. Yes...fruit. I think Eli Roth helped make the films. They're actually pretty funny, in a demented South Park sort of way, so watch them if that kind of humor suits you.
And I Quote: Tommy the Storeowner: "Boy, you wanna give me one good reason why you would steal a Snickers bar?" Bert: "The nougat?"
Random Trivia: While filming a particularly bloody scene, Rider Strong decided to go for a walk in the woods between setups. Covered head to toe in blood, he happened upon a group of 35 school girls, who were on a field trip. The girls screamed at the sight of this blood-drenched hiker, and then screamed even louder when they realized the hiker was the star of Boy Meets World. The girls chased Rider through the woods, who eventually made it back to the film crew, and vowed never to wander off between scenes again.
Curt's Take: "Not a Priority" - This was going to get a "Don't Bother," because the acting and writing was so bad at the beginning. Had also gone into this thinking it was a slasher film, but alas...it wasn't. Not in the conventional sense at least. But at one point...about two-thirds of the way through the film...it was like cast and crew decided to stop taking themselves so seriously and just had fun with the flick. It kind of hit me out of left field...but I kept watching out of a morbid curiosity about what was going to happen next. I mean, one minute you're watching someone coughing blood in a nasty projectile vomit fashion...and the next, there's a fight at a campfire where someone gets a harmonica lodged in their throat and is making disturbing musical sounds as he tries to remove it. So, overall...nothing to write home about, but check it out if you're drunk and there's nothing else on that interests you.
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House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
The Pitch: "So, the woods didn't suit you? Well, how about rural America? Farmland? Here, we got a nice farmstead...a bit of a fixer-upper, yes, but it comes furnished. The former tenants were a bit on the wacky side, and didn't have much talent when it came to interior decorating. It's pretty secluded out here, though...sure, you get the occasional car of cheerleaders or college students who come poking around looking into scary local legends, but if they happen to stop at the house because of bad weather or due to an inconvenient automotive mishap, there's plenty of guest rooms. Unfortunately, I can't show them to you now...they need a bit of...um...cleaning first. The basement is pretty extensive, as well, and there are all sorts of tunnels around here, so be careful. If you need any supplies, there's a gas station/fried chicken stand/Museum of Murder and Mayhem a couple miles up the road. What? What red stain? I'm sure it's just a trick of the light..."
Knock, Knock...: This tribute to 1970's horror film, directed by Rob Zombie, only had two folks I recognized: Rainn Wilson (who has appeared in both Six Feet Under and the U.S. version of The Office) and Chris Hardwick...who I think was a stand-up comic, but who hosted a slew of MTV shows. They play two of the four college students that get lost along the backroads of America, and accidentally stumble into a situation that is somewhere between Deliverance and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Things to Look Out For: While this film was nowhere as bloody as Cabin Fever, it was a lot more graphic and intense. A lot of the tension, though, came from the filming conventions used, where normal movie footage was interspliced with hand-held videocam footage, "newsreel" clips and strangely distorted flashbacks and dream sequences. Overall, it was a little frenetic, but the fast-paced style kept me always wondering what was going to happen next.
And I Quote: Otis: "Better you leave here with your head still full of kitty cats and puppy dogs."
Random Trivia: The actual house is the same used in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982), which can be viewed during Universal Studio's tram ride. However, during filming, Universal refused to cease the tram tours, which delayed filming during many scenes.
Curt's Take: "Not a Priority" - Very close to a "Worth Considering," though. I had been expecting this to be just a pointless gorefest, but the manner in which it was shot was very engaging to watch. The acting wasn't terrible, and although formulaic, the "plot" was classic: college students stumble into strange house full of oddball psychos, from whom they then try to escape. It was a bit confusing, though, keeping track of the underlying "Dr. Satan: Urban Legend or Reality?" story...also, the two female college students are so interchangeable, that I had a hard time keeping track of who was who. Throw in five missing cheerleaders, and everytime I see a brunette on the screen, I have no idea who it is. Overall, was better than I thought it would be, but not worth going out of your way to see unless you're a huge horror (or Rob Zombie) fan.
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House of the Dead (2003)
The Pitch: "Okay, so the Heartland is definitely out. But in keeping with the theme of seclusion, how about a remote island? Sure, the locals call it "The Island of Death," but you can pretty much charter any fishing boat to take you here...for, like, $1000 or so. The house here isn't that much to write home about...so to speak. It's an old stone building, dating back centuries, with crumbling masonry, but it does have it's own laboratory, if you have a budding scientist in the family. And, it's own private cemetery, mere yards from the main property...I like to think of it as a conveniece. The rest of the island is a nice mix of inlets that are perfectly safe for swimming, wooded areas that you can take nice, relaxing runs in, and open clearings, where you can hold large raves, inviting dozens of locals from the mainland who, of course, are perfectly safe, in spite of the island's reputation and nickname."
Knock, Knock...: Only recognized two people in this movie. First off, Clint Howard (Ron Howard's brother) who gets all sorts of small, creepy roles in random films. Here, he plays the first mate (or whatever) of the fishing boat that our band of "heroes" take to the island when they miss the main boat on their way to the rave (yes..I wasn't kidding about the rave). Second, I recognized Tyron Leitso, who played Simon...underwear model turned zombie-slayer...one of the group of friends who are looking for a way off the deadly rave island (sorry...can't get over that plot detail). Tyron also played Eric, the bartender, in Wonderfalls, one of the best television series ever. While I never thought he was a great actor in that, this film was a major step down for him.
Things to Look Out For: First off, for those of you not in the know, this movie was loosely based on the video game by the same name. In a less-than-stellar editing move, they use clips from the game as transitions between scenes in the movie. Very random and tacky. Apart from a lot of gunfire, the movie has little resemblance to the game. I remember the game involving a big mansion...here, you have a small crumbling stone house that doesn't even really become used until there's only half an hour left in the movie. Lots of zombies, though. As for special features, the only one worth watching was the four-minute behind-the scenes look at how the "hot babes" of the movie prepared for their roles. It showed them playing the video game and giggling (lovely), and then being taken to a paintball range where (I actually found this to be hilarious), four production assistants with no padding or protection were made-up to look like zombies, and then attacked the women, who fired at them with the paintball guns. The PA's walked away with huge welts and bigger tempers...and headed straight for the paintball supply depot, where they attacked the "babes" (who were wearing even less padding and protection) with their guns. Ah...bliss.
And I Quote: Rudy: "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" Castillo: "To live forever!"
Random Trivia: At the end of the film, the survivors are rescued by a helicopter. As it is landing, two men dressed in trench coats get off the helicopter. This is a reference to the original House of the Dead video game in which the protagonists are two special agents in overcoats.
Curt's Take: "Run in Fear" - Not because the movie is scary. Because it's truly bad. The DVD I had skipped a little here and there, and I really didn't care...it brought me closer to the end a little quicker. Acting...bad. Writing...bad. Action sequences...they had one of those camera things from The Matrix that you could rotate around someone quickly so you got the classic "Neo dodges a bullet" shots, but instead had "Rudy dodges a zombie claw" moments. Was kind of neat the first time...but then they used it over and over and over. Argh. And did I mention the rave? Yeah...that's a great hook to get people on the island. And I'm not even sure why the rave happened in the first place...like, why did the baddie even need to get all these people to the island? There wasn't any subplot about a big mass sacrifice or spreading evil glowsticks via ravers (because, in my little world, raves and glowsticks go hand-in-hand). Overall...a pointless exercise in evil and zombificiation. If you're going to see a zombie movie based on a video game, go see any of the Resident Evil movies. Let this one stay on the rental shelf.
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House of Seven Corpses (1974)
The Pitch: "Saving the best place for last. No cabins, no backwater farmsteads...what we have here is an honest-to-goodness mansion. It isn't without its history, however...the former owners, the Beal family, all died under mysterious circumstances. Fatal falls, gunshots, stabbings, drownings...suicide...the Beal curse claimed seven family members in all. They are buried in a small plot off to the side of the house. Don't worry, though, it's clearly marked. Anyway, that happened ages ago. Most recently, however, a film crew set up shop here to shoot a movie based on the life of the Beal family. Somewhere around here is the book that the cast and crew found stashed on a musty bookshelf...The Tibetan Book of the Dead or some such title. They used it to lend an air of authenticity to the movie they were filming, which had elements of ritualistic witchcraft. Nobody is really sure what happened to the cast and crew, though...they left a lot of their equipment here, as you can see, and I don't think their movie was ever released. I'm sure they just went back to Hollywood..."
Knock, Knock...: It's an older film, and didn't have a high production value...so not sure if any of these folks were in anything else. One name I recognized, though, was John Carradine...but I must not know my Carradines that well, because until I checked the Internet, I had him pegged as the wrong actor. I think I was thinking of David Carradine. But there were no martial arts in the this film.
Things to Look Out For: No special features...which isn't a bad thing. Pretty terrible acting, though...but kind of cute in a "yesteryear" sort of way.
And I Quote: Gail: "And when we're not filming, how do we find our rooms in the dark?" Eric: "By candlelight." Christopher: "If there's a bed in there, she'll find it..."
Random Trivia: Apparently the title of this movie inspired the title of "House of 1000 Corpses," which itself was supposed to be a tribute to the cheesy horror films of the 1970's.
Curt's Take: "Don't Bother" - This actually almost got a "Worth Considering," if you can believe it, but that was when I thought the film was going to go into a different direction than it did. You've got a film crew in a creepy old mansion, where a whole family died in a variety of strange and sudden manners. I was fully expecting a Scream-type story, with people getting bumped off, one by one, and with an ever-narrowing pool of suspects. But no. They pretty much all die within a ten-minute window at the end of the film, and sadly it is due to supernatural means. If they had gone the other route, with a clever killer who played cat-and-mouse with his victims, filling people with doubt and paranoia about whether one of their fellow actors or crewmembers is behind the mayhem...or whether it's an honest-to-goodness ghost or undead creature. But no...it's simply an "Evil Book Brings Back the Dead to Kill the Living in an Anti-Climactic Way" film.
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Next Time on Take 4: Time to head back to the television, as we follow a group of gay and lesbian friends and their families, dealing with life in scenic...Pittsburgh?
posted by Curt at 1:13 PM
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